Tusk Tusk Read online

  Maggie Oh my God.

  He does it again.

  I’m in a bad Enid Blyton novel.

  Eliot Shhh …

  Suddenly Finn bursts through the curtains. He aims his gun at Eliot.

  Finn BE STILL!

  Eliot Have mercy on me, Max, have mercy –

  He shoots at Eliot. A red flag pops out of the end of the gun. Eliot drops to the floor, ‘dead’. Finn blows the top of his gun with a flourish. Then he spies Maggie and reloads.

  Finn I said ‘Be still…’

  Maggie I’ve heard about you.

  Finn takes aim.

  You’re Max, you’re famous.

  Finn I am a famous outlaw, yes.

  Maggie I can’t believe it’s you. King of All Wild Things.

  She bows.

  Finn It is I. Yes.

  Maggie Just one question, if you please.

  Finn Only one, because then I must shoot you.

  Maggie At what point did you get the gun, because in the famous story –

  Finn Legend.

  Maggie Forgive me. In the famous legend, young Max had no gun. He just tamed them with his eyes. He also wore a wolf suit. Are you really Max?

  Finn How dare you!

  Maggie But where is your wolf suit?

  Eliot He traded it for the gun.

  Finn Now say your prayers, ladeee.

  Maggie Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven …

  Finn aims at her, but just as he’s about to shoot he spies the mouse.

  Finn I saw it! I saw the mouse!

  Maggie Where?

  Finn There!

  Eliot What? ‘There on the stair’?

  Maggie ELIOT, do something.

  Eliot ‘A little mouse with clogs on’?

  Finn It went into the hole.

  Maggie Block the hole. Trap it.

  Eliot does so.

  Is it safe?

  Finn Why are you scared? It’s only a mouse.

  Maggie It’s a rat, Finn, and rats are evil. When bad people die they come back as rats.

  Finn Like Hitler?

  Maggie Just like Hitler. In fact that rat is probably Hitler.

  Eliot Don’t tell him that.

  Maggie Why not?

  Eliot Because it’s not true. Finn, it’s just an animal.

  Maggie dshe’s scared of everything – oesn’t like it because she’s a girl and

  Maggie Finn, that rat murdered twelve million people.

  It deserves to die.

  Finn So we live with Hitler.

  Maggie Sort of.

  Finn Cool.

  Eliot Stop it, Maggie, you’ll give him weird ideas.

  Maggie I happen to believe in reincarnation.

  Eliot So you’re a Buddhist now?

  Maggie You bought him a gun. Someone’s got to redress the balance.

  Eliot I was modernising the story.

  Maggie I’m sure Sendak will be delighted. What next? Max the Terrorist? Where the Crack Dealers Are?

  Eliot I had to entertain him somehow. You’ve been asleep all day.

  Maggie Well, it looks like you’ve had a riot. Any calls?

  Eliot No. You hungry, Finn?

  Maggie Are you sure?

  Eliot I’m sure. Look, Finn. Grub.

  Finn You were gone for ages.

  Eliot Sorry, baby, it took a little while.

  Finn Ages.

  Eliot Look, Chinese yum.

  Maggie is up and pacing. She is trying her phone again.

  Maggie It’s off.

  Finn Ugh. It’s cold –

  Maggie Why is it still off?

  Eliot So she’s out of battery. Chill.

  Finn I don’t want it. I don’t want it cold.

  Eliot Finn, it’s summer Chinese. Summer Chinese is always cold.

  Maggie Did she take her charger?

  Eliot Just have a little bit.

  Maggie Eliot!

  Eliot What?

  Maggie Did she take her charger?

  Eliot I don’t know. Probably.

  Maggie Did you see her slip it in her bag or something?

  Eliot I don’t know, you stayed with her longer – if anyone saw her pack it, it was you. Please, Finn. Eat something.

  Maggie I told you. I left just after you. I went for a walk.

  Eliot Then we don’t know, do we? Just one bite, Finn.

  Maggie We should look. Help me look.

  Eliot Just one mouthful, Finn. It’s good. I promise.

  Finn No.

  Maggie What box could it be in?

  Eliot Open wide.

  Maggie ELIOT!

  Eliot I don’t know.

  Maggie Think.

  Eliot Her stuff’s in the bedroom. Maybe in there.

  Maggie Some help?

  Eliot I’m a little busy here.

  She storms out.

  He takes a theatrical bite.

  See, Finn, it’s very refreshing cold.

  Finn I want cereal.

  Eliot In China, this it what karate fighters have for breakfast. Rice is like … Coco Pops for ninjas.

  Finn Really …

  Eliot Oh yeah …

  Maggie (offstage) Fiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnn!

  Finn Oh no.

  Maggie (offstage) Fiiiinnnnnnnn, get in here!

  Eliot What have you done?

  Finn runs and hides behind one of the boxes.

  Maggie storms back in.

  Maggie Where is he?

  Eliot What’s happened?

  Maggie Finn, come out right now.

  Eliot Come on, it can’t be –

  Maggie RIGHT NOW!

  Eliot There’s no need to shout.

  Maggie Go check it out. Check out Mum’s room.

  Eliot I’m sure it’s not so bad. We just need to remain calm.

  Maggie Go look.

  He does. Finn peeks out from behind a box. Maggie gestures for him to come out.

  Eliot (offstage) Fiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnn!

  Finn hides behind the box again.

  Eliot storms back in.

  You little… get out from behind there. NOW!

  Maggie So calm.

  Eliot NOW!

  He yanks him out by his elasticised waist and plonks him on the table.

  Why is Mummy’s room covered in paint?

  Finn I …

  He turns to Maggie.

  Eliot What are we going to do? It’s everywhere. The carpet. The walls. It’s all over her clothes.

  Maggie At least it’s her favourite colour.

  Finn giggles a little.

  Eliot This is not funny. Why are you finding this funny? We’ve ruined her stuff. Her dresses. She loves her dresses. We’ve ruined them. Ruined them

  Maggie laughs again.

  Maggie Sorry. I just can’t take you seriously dressed like that.

  Eliot IT’S NOT FUNNY!

  He rips his headband off and paces the room.

  What are we going to do? … Oh God … We’ll never get it out of the carpet. Let alone the walls. And her stuff. Oh no …

  Maggie What happened, Finn? Did you knock the pot over?

  Finn I wanted it to be a surprise.

  Eliot Well, congratulations, Finn. It was.

  Finn You were gone for ages and Maggie was asleep and I got bored. And I remembered she wanted her room painted blue. Like at home. And that’s why we bought the paint at the shop. And I saw the paint on the floor. And it was so blue. I thought I could start.

  Maggie Start what?

  Finn The painting.

  Maggie I told you not to leave him alone.

  Eliot I didn’t, did I? You were here.

  Maggie I was asleep. Not the same thing.

  Eliot We were starving. I had to go and get food.

  Maggie But that’s not all you did, was it? You said yourself you were gone for ages. Chatting up girls.

  Eliot It wasn’t that long.
r />   Maggie It was long enough. Idiot.

  Finn Can I get down now?

  Eliot /Maggie NO!

  Eliot Look. It’s fine. We’ll use some of that money to dry clean the clothes. We’ll make the best of the rest.

  Maggie We don’t have enough to do that, Eliot.

  Eliot Yes we do.

  Maggie What the hell do you know about dry cleaning, Rambo? It costs a fortune.

  Eliot We’ve got loads of money.

  Maggie We have to be careful with it.

  Eliot This is important, Maggie.

  Maggie Not as important as eating.

  Eliot We can eat pasta, can’t we? We only need a bit of cash.

  Maggie How many times. You don’t know that.

  Eliot Yes I do.

  Maggie You don’t. You just don’t.

  Eliot We can’t just leave her clothes there to rot.

  Maggie Why not? That’s what’s she’s… We can’t risk it, Eliot.

  Eliot We have to. Come on. You don’t want to see the look on her face when she walks into that room. You just don’t.

  Maggie Why do you care so much?

  Eliot Why don’t you?

  Maggie Because they’re clothes, Eliot. Stupid clothes. She doesn’t wear them half the time anyway –

  Eliot She does so. She does go out. She wore one last week –

  Maggie They’re of no use to us. And we have to think about us.

  Beat.

  Someone has to.

  Eliot I am thinking about us. I am.

  Maggie Then think, idiot. What are we going to eat if we’ve spent this money … What? A vintage dress? A hat? Come on … it’s not like before, it’s not like back at home. We don’t know anyone. We can’t go and beg a tin of baked beans off a friend’s mum. We can’t put stuff on credit at the shop. It’s a big city and we’re little. We have to be careful.

  Eliot Half and half. Just dry clean her favourite two things. Come on.

  Maggie Look … we made a deal, Ellie. If you want me to sit tight and not call anyone, I’ll do that. But only if I’m in charge of the cash. I’ll only do it this way. I’ll be as hippy-dippy and positive as you want, but we have to have money. Just in case.

  Pause.

  Eliot You drive a hard bargain.

  Maggie So do you.

  Eliot Fine. But she’ll never let you forget about it. You know that. She’ll be livid.

  Maggie I look forward to it.

  Eliot You’re digging your own grave.

  Maggie Don’t say that.

  Eliot Why? Are you getting all lumpy and paranoid?

  Maggie No. It’s not that. Just don’t say stuff like that.

  Eliot Fine.

  Digging your own … sex dungeon, then? How about that?

  Maggie You’re not funny.

  Eliot Yes I am.

  Maggie You’re really not.

  Eliot You’re just immune to my charms ’cause you’re my sister

  Maggie Don’t be weird.

  Eliot You’re the weird one. Lumpy McLump.

  Finn Am I still in trouble?

  Maggie /Eliot YES!

  SCENE THREE

  Early morning. The den is built. A small lamp has been put inside making the space glow. Finn’s crown sits on the table top. Music is playing.

  Maggie is searching the boxes furiously. Eliot enters. He stands and watches her for a moment. She doesn’t notice.

  Eliot What are you doing?

  Maggie You scared me. I thought you were asleep.

  She goes back to searching.

  There is a knocking at the door. Eliot quickly turns the music down. Maggie goes to the peephole.

  It’s him again.

  Eliot Shhh…

  Maggie Let’s have some fun.

  Eliot No, Maggie. Don’t.

  Maggie grins at him, taunting.

  Eliot shakes his head. Furious, he creeps up to grab her but just before he does she swiftly puts the door on the latch and opens it a little.

  Man This can’t go on. I need my sleep. You’re banging and screaming. That infernal radio. It’s just not right. I have a good mind to report you –

  Maggie No. Don’t do that.

  Man Your parents. I want to speak to them. Where’s the little boy? I’ve seen the little boy. He relieved himself in my bushes.

  Maggie snorts with laughter.

  In broad daylight.

  Maggie turns to Eliot and grins: she now adopts an eastern European accent.

  Maggie I am so sorry. The boy. He is not – how can I say this? Trained.

  Man Pardon?

  Maggie You know, trained. Like a dog. He is a little backward. We do our best, you see. We replace your flowers, no problem.

  Man Why are you talking like that? Would you open the door?

  Maggie Like what?

  Man Like a Polack. Open the damn door.

  Maggie I am from Warsaw. I am nanny. In my country we do not open the door to strangers.

  Man Nanny?

  Maggie I am nanny for wee child.

  Man You’re too young.

  Maggie In my country we all look young. It’s a good thing, no?

  Man But before you spoke English.

  Maggie My English sometimes good, sometimes bad.

  Man Then where is your employer? I need to speak to your employer.

  Eliot sinks to the floor.

  Maggie You talk to my boyfriend. He is an English fellow. You like him. I smell it.

  Man Let me in.

  Maggie CLAUDE!

  She shouts in Eliot’s ear.

  Claude! An Englishman, a gentleman for you.

  She drags Eliot to a gap in the door.

  I was telling the nice man about you. About our job.

  Man I need to speak to your employers. You have been disturbing me.

  Eliot I’m really very sorry about that. You know kids. Poor boy. Misses his mother, we’ve just been trying to entertain him. Keep his spirits up. You know.

  Man He took a pee in my bushes.

  Maggie Isn’t he handsome?

  Man Pardon?

  Maggie My boyfriend. Isn’t he handsome?

  Eliot Ignore her. Her English is terrible.

  Man I want to speak to your employers. This is ridiculous.

  Eliot I’ll ensure our employer is informed when she returns.

  Man When will that be?

  Eliot She’s on a business trip, so not for at least a week.

  Man How old are you?

  Maggie He is my toyboy. My boytoy.

  Eliot I’ll let my employer know that you called. In the meantime, we’ll reduce the noise.

  Man I want to call her. Your employer. You must have a number for her. For emergencies.

  Eliot I wouldn’t want to alarm her.

  Man I think she should be alarmed.

  Eliot Look. I promise we’ll keep the noise down. I’ll get our employer to contact you as soon as she gets back. I assure you, no more trouble. We’ll keep a better eye on the boy.

  Man Hmm.

  Eliot We’re so sorry.

  Man I’ll be expecting her.

  The Man leaves. Maggie starts to laugh.

  Eliot Shhh …

  Maggie Priceless.

  Eliot You idiot. He knows something’s up.

  Maggie Why are you worried? We got away with it.

  Eliot You’re such a tit.

  Maggie (accent) Claude, never insult my tits.

  He laughs.

  Eliot Idiot.

  She starts searching the boxes again.

  Maggie How can we have so much but so little? It’s ridiculous. I knew we should have labelled the boxes. I knew it.

  She finds the charger.

  Brilliant.

  She holds it up to him.

  That’s just brilliant, Eliot.

  She throws it to the floor.

  Eliot Maggie come on … noise.

  Maggie You know what that means, don’t you?
/>   Eliot It means nothing. She barely knew how to charge her phone anyways –

  Maggie You know what it means.

  Eliot Shhh…

  Maggie It means she didn’t plan to go.

  Eliot She never plans to go, she just … It’s her way –

  Maggie ‘Her way’ – if I hear that one more time I’m going to –

  Eliot Shhh …

  Maggie (quietly) – scream.

  Eliot It’s just a piece of plastic, there’s no need to –

  Maggie It means she just left, it means she didn’t –

  Eliot It doesn’t mean anything.

  Maggie I’m scared, Eliot.

  Eliot sits down.

  I know she’s done this before and I know it’s always been all right but …

  Eliot But what?

  Pause.

  Maggie I just have this feeling.

  Eliot Do you not think that might have something to do with the…

  He points between his legs.

  Maggie Jesus, Ellie, I’m serious.

  Eliot Sorry. I know.

  Maggie I just think we should tell someone. A grown-up.

  Small pause.

  Eliot We made a deal, Maggie –

  Maggie But I didn’t know she left this, did I? This changes things.

  Eliot It changes nothing, Mags. Come on. Stick to the plan.

  Maggie What about her old boyfriend, that posh guy –?

  Eliot Posho Rollo? And give him the satisfaction? After what he did to her? No way.

  Maggie What about Katie then?

  Eliot His wife. Don’t be stupid.

  Maggie She sent us something.

  Maggie hands him an envelope.

  Eliot When?

  Maggie shrugs.

  Maggie It was under all those flyers. There was no stamp.

  Eliot reads from the card.

  Eliot ‘On a sunny day you could take the kids down to the river, there’s a perfectly sweet little café…’ Bla bla bla.

  Maggie I think it’s nice.

  Eliot I think it’s creepy. She shouldn’t be nice to us when it’s completely obvious.

  Maggie She’s just being polite.

  Eliot Ugh. It’s so English. I can’t stand it.

  Maggie She said if we needed anything? I don’t see the harm in just asking if she’s seen her –

  Eliot No, Maggie. No way. It’ll get straight back to him. No way.

  Maggie There must be someone else then? Another boyfriend, one of the ones from before.

  Eliot What other ones?

  Maggie The string of useless fucks she used to fuck.

  Eliot Maggie, shhh…

  Maggie (harsh whisper) Oh, don’t get precious on me, you know what I’m talking about.

  Eliot I do not.

  Maggie You have a really selective memory, don’t you?